why do i do the things i do?

that’s a question that i just cant seem to answer anymore. i came to bed last night and he was sleeping. we still share a bed as he insists until he can get up on his feet and find a place to move to. until last night we had been almost completely platonic for the past 3 months in the bedroom. when i got in bed he, im assuming, instincts took over and he pulled me close snuggling into me. i tried to move and adjust away. i dont want to hurt him anymore, but he kept pulling me back. i caved and snuggled right back into him. the comfort felt so good, i guess because we are both hurting. i should have stopped it there. i tried to stop it there. but its been so long and i missed his touch. im pissed at myself now, knowing that this wasnt “just sex” has he tried to convince me over n over last night. not for him it wasnt, i know him too well. too many emotions are shared between us for us to have “just sex”. this is a step back in the wrong direction and i know its just going to hurt him more. and hurt me more. especially since im staring at his ring sittin on my desk and not on his finger. i dont want the relationship, but i dont want to hurt either. i need to stop making such bad decisions and listen to my brain rather then my heart and body which screams out for comfort. its no way to move. tonight i sleep alone on the couch.

im not much of a blogger so this will prolly not make much sense to anyone but me and be horribly misspelled. doesnt matter to me but the grammar Nazi’s beware. you’ve been warned!

ok so growing up i was pretty much a spoiled brat. im pretty sure its because of that that ive ended up in my current situation. ive always been dependent on what others could do for me. having my cake and eating it too.

guess a bit of a back story would help. not that people who dont know me will be reading this, at least i dont think. who knows or cares.

ok so for the past 6 years ive been dating him. im only 22. feels like its been and entire lifetime, and has been my entire adult lifetime. it should have ended ages ago but as i said, im a dependant person and needed someone to take care of me. i didnt think i could do it for myself, still dont know if i can. ive always thought myself to be a pretty strong person. its sure not showing now. after 5.5 years, we got engaged. that was the true beginning of the end. i knew when i said yes that i didnt love him. and in all truth, probably would have said no if he didnt ask me in public. but thats not the point.i ended a 6 year relationship the other night and  ive successfully crushed him and all that he is and believed in. i led him on, i feel like a horrible person. hes mean and cold and i let him because i feel like i deserve it. i shouldnt have waited so long. i wanna hold him and wipe his tears and tell him how much i love him, that im just not in love with him, and i know that will only make things worse. i dont know what to do. im hurt. im hurt cuz ive hurt him. is it selfish for me to want, no need, to be happy. i was considering just getting married so i wouldnt crush him. but i cant. i dont deserve that, no matter how bad this is hurting both of us. im lost. i dont know where to go from here. ive never been alone. never had to try on my own. my security blanket is gone and to be honest it sorta feels good. knowing that ill have to start on my own. work for me and no one else. have to try and succeed cuz im all i have. i will never NEVER forgive myself for doing this to him. but i have to start living for me, its not optional any longer.